In the end it's not about what you lack

I took your invitations as more of an offer of distraction or refuge, so no, not thinking like they were demands or anything. Just giving a heads-up that I might not be out and about much for a while, until we get some sort of mutually-agreed-upon child rotation schedule worked out. The last thing I want is to do anything that would foster resentment at this stage.

I get the impression that he feels that I am holding him back somehow, and maybe that's not accurate but he keeps talking about things he wants to do, and somehow it comes around to chaos and the house being messy, and in the end I am left with the feeling that my whole life, my busy distracted child-filled life, is what is incompatible with his vision of how he wants to live. And, as much as I try to simplify, some things are not going to go away. Life is not going to get simple and quiet and un-busy. I am probably not going to re-structure my priorities to match his priorities. I am not going to make my interests secondary to paying attention to a husband. I'm just not, because that is not who I am. It's not that I think he's wrong for wanting someone who prioritizes the same things he does or whose primary focus is their partner, it's just that I am not that person and I don't think I can change that about myself without becoming miserable in the process. I have already become miserable in the process of trying to change things he doesn't like about me, and the problem with that is that he doesn't like me when I'm miserable. Who would? Who could like a miserable partner?

I have seen partnerships that are like what (I think) he wants, where people are so intertwined with each other that it's almost like they're one organism. To be completely honest, I can't relate, and those people actually kind of freak me out.

I am not, inherently, a wife. I am maybe a perfectly good girlfriend, but I like to be alone too much, I will always put fun above housework in my list of priorities, I can't stand to revolve my life and interests around just one other person, and I believe that personal growth is called "personal" for a reason. It's like personal hygiene... I don't expect him to hold my hand while I shave my cooch, and I don't want to hold his hand while he reads about Zen Buddhism or goes to temple or does whatever it is he wants to do. He is not especially interested in my spiritual life, and I don't blame him. My life, his life, with orbits that intersect for a few hours a day. Maybe only a few hours a week. A fairly decent girlfriend. A shitty wife. And you know, many nights I just want to be left alone, to putter or tinker, or waste time, or whatever. My time. I want him to ask me for my time, not assume that it is there for him unless otherwise allocated. I want him to treat me like my friends do, and not presume that the default is that my time is for him. And even while I type this, I am aware that what I am describing is not a husband/wife relationship.

So, who knows. In the end maybe we can continue having a relationship. I don't think it can be the same kind of relationship we have been trying to have, because that relationship isn't working and trying to make it work is making both of us unhappy. Maybe in the end I could be his girlfriend, and not have to try to be a wife. Maybe he can h ave his own home base and I can have my own home base, and we can come to each other with truly mutual respect for each other's independence, and really love each other for what we bring into the relationship, and not resent each other for what we don't.

And I think that maybe I will make this whole thing a blog because then, you know, it's out there. And I can look at it later to remind myself.